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I haven’t written anything in a few days, partly because so much has been going on, and partly because I just didn’t feel impressed on what to share. I never like to sit down and think about what to say, but rather I prefer it when the words just flow out quicker than I can type them.
Sometimes when things are on my heart and I try to talk (speak) about them, I only end up saying something that comes out the wrong way, but when I’m writing it, and God is revealing it to me, then there is more of Him, and less of me. I don’t seem to make as much of a mess out of it that way. I guess it’s because I’m writing so fast that I don’t have enough time to put a lot of my thoughts into it, and that’s a good thing, better yet, a God thing.
I’m glad that no one can see me this morning, I cried myself to sleep, and my eyelids are so swollen that you can barely see my eyes. I haven’t cried like that in years. I had been holding the tears back for a while now, and once they started flowing it was like a fountain, I couldn’t contain them. The old saying was true, for me it was “all over but the crying.”
I have tried to remain positive and normally I am. I have tried to be an encourager, because that’s what I feel I’m called to be, but last night the heartache that I felt had no room for encouragement. I came so close to quitting the program and still I’m struggling to hold on to my determination.
I was questioning so many things about the path that I’m on. Is this the path that God intended for me? If so, why is there so much turmoil and why was I carrying this heartache that I couldn’t seem to lay down? Sometimes, it hard to know what to do, because just as God opens doors, sometimes he will close them, and I couldn’t seem to discern if he was closing the door of nursing .
I have learned through the years that when we are going forward in the direction that God has intended for us, we can’t expect everything to be smooth sailing. The enemy, or if you will, the world- will always come against us, trying to sidetrack us from accomplishing God’s will for our lives.
I know that I need to be able to discern between the differences and be strong, but sometimes, when we are really hit hard, it’s difficult to discern what is happening in our lives. It’s for certain that when we are hit hard that we feel that every way we turn, we’re running into obstacles, and that every day we awake we’re faced with the decision on what to do. Do we throw our hands up in defeat, or do we fold them up in prayer?
As for me, I folded them up in prayer. I am standing at a crossroads looking down two different paths. I can keep walking in the direction of becoming a nurse and all the opportunities that it holds, or I can begin to turn and walk endlessly on a road that I have no idea of where it will take me. I could literally visualize myself standing there as I cried, and then I was reminded ever so gently.
“Come unto me all ye that are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” “Take my yoke upon you, for My burden is easy, and my yoke is light.” Talking to God about something is one thing, but giving it to Him is another. We do best when we give God our burdens and then take upon us His promises.
I may be in the middle of a storm but I know that this too will pass and as long as I’m making the grades and being a good student, I’m going to continue through the door that God has opened. I will not allow myself to turn around and walk backward on emotions or uncertainties, or because of conflicts arising within the class. We are in the best nursing program in the state of Alabama, and I’m going to make the best of it, and I hope that you will too.
However, many of you are not, and it has finally come to the point that you are going to have to decide what path you want to be on before the decision is made for you. You cannot continue on tittering on the edge trying to break all the rules; because you’re going to be kicked out, and as sad as it is to see an opportunity wasted, it will be a relief to be in a class of eager students.
I hope that the next step you take is leading you down the path of folded arms, and walking through the right door.
Here’s to standing at the crossroads,
Glenda
